Why You Can’t Relax—And How to Rewire Your Brain to Finally Rest Without Guilt

Why does relaxing feel so hard—especially when you know you need it?

In this episode of The Muscles and Mindset Revolution, certified life coach and personal trainer Anne Jones breaks down the real reason so many high-achieving women struggle to rest, slow down, and feel safe doing nothing.

You’ll learn:

• Why your brain resists stillness (hint: it’s not laziness—it’s your nervous system)
• How to spot and reframe thoughts like “I should be doing something”
• What your brain actually needs to feel safe and productive
• Mindfulness tools that actually work for anxious, busy minds
• Why rest is essential for creativity, focus, and sustainable fat loss

Anne shares her own experience and simple strategies to help you question unhelpful beliefs, build “quiet muscles,” and finally embrace rest—without guilt, burnout, or a to-do list.

💙 This episode is for you if you’re constantly “on,” crave more calm, or want to do less and get better results.

Timestamps:

00:34 – Why relaxing feels unsafe for high achievers

01:12 – The thoughts that steal your peace (and how to question them)

02:44 – How your nervous system responds to stillness

04:50 – Simple tools to help you be more mindful and grounded

10:23 – Why rest is a productivity tool, not laziness

14:10 – Your weekly challenge: practice doing less

🌿 Want to feel relaxed and strong this fall?

DM @annejonesfit on Instagram to join the waitlist for Anne’s upcoming Nervous System November program!

#NervousSystemHealing #MindsetCoach #WomenWhoDoTooMuch #RestWithoutGuilt #HighAchieverBurnout #MusclesAndMindset #ProductiveRest #DoLessFeelMore

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Transcript

0:00

Welcome to the Muscles and Mindset Revolution Podcast. The podcast for ambitious women who want to build strength, feel confident, af, and lose fat for good, without counting calories or BS quick fixes. I'm your host, Anne Jones, certified life coach, a personal trainer and mindset expert, and after 15 plus years in the fitness industry. I know the real key to lasting change isn't just what you do, it's how you think. If you're ready to shift your mindset, build a lifestyle you love and feel confident, af, you're in the right place. Let's dive in. So last week I posted a question on my Instagram stories while I was away with my mom for her birthday asking, do you ever try to relax or slow down, but your brain tells you that you can't or you shouldn't, or that you should be doing something else? And you know what happened? A hundred percent of you said, yes, 100%. 100% of my audience is trying to relax. And brain is screaming, this is a waste of time. You should be working. You're falling behind, you're lazy. Sound familiar? If so, welcome to the club because you're absolutely not alone. And here's the first thing I want you to know. Just because you think a thought doesn't make it true. So all the things I just mentioned. Just'cause you're having the thought. This is a waste of time. This isn't productive. You're lazy. Just'cause you think that does not make it a fact, does not make it true. I'm gonna say this again because it's that important. if you could take away one thing from this podcast, just because you think a thought does not make it true. Your brain tells you that relaxing is dangerous or lazy or irresponsible. But is that a fact or is it just a thought that you've been thinking for so long that it's now a belief that you've practiced for so long that it's become automatic? I want you to try something right now. I want you to take one of those'I should be doing something, thoughts that we just mentioned. The one that you have and ask yourself, is this a fact that could be proven in a court of law? Or is it just a thought? You being lazy, irresponsible, unproductive? Those are not facts. They cannot be proven in a court of law. That's just someone's opinion. Okay? Whatever the thought is. Is it a fact or just a thought? Is a thought. And is that thought making you feel anxious or guilty or stressed? Is it helping you to feel calm, connected, or present? Do you wanna keep it? Do you wanna keep thinking that thought? Because if a thought is making you feel bad or stealing your ability to enjoy the moment, or even stealing your ability to be productive or focused you are allowed to change it. But here's why this is so hard. It's not your fault. From everything that I have learned and studied about the nervous system over the past. 10, 11, 12 years. I know this to be true. Your brain and your body are wired to seek safety. Your brain wants wants context, which I'm giving you now, and connection, which you're going to give to yourself. And for so many of us, especially high achieving successful women, doing equals safety currently.'cause we were socialized this way, right? Many of us were raised this way. and we're rewarded for it, highly rewarded for it. So when you're moving, working, checking off lists, you feel productive, you get a gold star, you feel on top of it, you feel in control. You've been taught that this is right. It doesn't matter if you fall down dead, at the end of the day, you get a gold star. But when you slow down, guess what happens? That feels vulnerable. slowing down can feel unsafe because it literally triggers deeply ingrained survival patterns in your brain. Your brain starts screaming, danger, uncomfortable, something bad's gonna happen. Somebody's gonna yell at you. You're gonna miss something, something's not gonna get done, and your nervous system flips into fight or flight. This is why slowing down can feel unsafe because it literally triggers those deeply ingrained survival patterns in your brain. It's not'cause you're lazy, it's not'cause relaxing is bad. It's not'cause it's a waste of time. It's because we've been socialized to believe that it is good and safe. And so doing the opposite triggers deeply ingrained survival patterns, which don't make sense because you're not threatened by relaxing in the pool. This is so odd sounding, but relaxation is actually a skill. It's not just about scheduling me time. It's actually about helping your nervous system feel safe enough to pause. And if you've listened to other episodes of my podcast, you know that I've been through this journey on my own for the past several years. This. And so how do you start shifting this? I'm gonna make it really simple. I'm not even gonna jump to like where I'm at or what I did. I'm gonna keep it so simple for you. Okay. So here are a few things that I teach my new clients and that I practice myself, but this is where I would start. Number one, begin with awareness. Like people poo poo mindfulness, but it is everything. Mindfulness is having better sex. Mindfulness is having better focus at work. Mindfulness is having more presence and connection with your kids being a better parent. Mindfulness is losing body fat. Mindfulness is no longer binge or emotional eating. Mindfulness is it? Okay, so start with awareness and first, notice the thought that you are thinking. shit happens. That we can't control. And then you have a thought about it, which you can control, and then because of that thought, you feel some kind of way. And that thought leads you to do something, take an action, or not take an action, which creates the result that you then get. So we gotta start with the thought. First notice the thought. I should be working. This is unproductive. I'll fall behind. I should put away the laundry. Just see it. Don't judge it. Just see it as a thought. This is the most powerful thing you can do. I do this personally. I do this with clients all the time. See it as a thought. Oh, thank you brain. I see that thought. Okay, cool. I see. That's just a thought. Doesn't mean it's true. Doesn't mean I'm gonna buy into it. Just interesting. I'm having that thought. Okay, cool. Don't judge it. Next step is to question it. Is it a fact? Is it a fact that I'm gonna fall behind crash and burn my bank account's gonna empty out if I don't do whatever I think I need to be doing right now? No, it is not a fact. If it is negotiable, if it cannot be proven in a court of law, it is not a fact. It is probably a belief that you've repeated for so long. It's automatic. So, number one, see it. Number two, question it. my previous coach and friend, Cara Barone, says that not every thought deserves a seat at your table. Doesn't deserve to be taking up brain space. Number three, replace. Don't just remove'cause. Remember what I said, your brain can't not do something. Your brain can only do an activity. It can't not do anything. So you have to replace the activity or the thought. Your brain can't just do nothing. It's wired to focus on something. So if you wanna relax, you have to give it a new anchor. You can't just be like, I'm gonna think about blank space. So if mindless scrolling is your thing, maybe you replace it with a few mindful breaths. I have something. It's like a fidget ring. I used to poo poo like fidget spinners and stuff, and I kind of still do, but it's called stim. for those of us who are anxious, I've been like this my whole life. This is not related to phones or being an adult, I've always been a fidgeter. I have to really consciously not fidget. I always play with my cuticles. It's just st So I have this wire ring that I play with my husband got it for me and then I subsequently bought another one. So I can have one downstairs and one upstairs, and I just roll it up and down my fingers. Or sometimes you'll see me. Tracing one finger with the other cause it brings me back, this is grounding. So you gotta kind of find your thing that works for you. For some people it's breath. For some people it's touch. For some people it's movement. It also depends where your nervous system is at. But try a few mindful breaths. Try tracing one. Hand's fingers with the other pointer finger. Get something to fidget with that's not your phone, instead of grabbing your phone in the elevator. Look around. What colour are the walls? Feel your feet on the floor. What do you taste in your mouth right now? Instead of feeling silence and walks with podcasts and more and fucking videos? My God, people watching videos in all public locations have to fricking stop. Why do you need to be watching reels on the ferry all the time? This is a, the downfall of society, I swear to God. Anyways. Instead of doing that, try a walk in nature with no music. Oh, what a thought. what do you hear? I've worked on this literal thing with several clients who were like, I can't do that. That's a waste of time. oh, but we got there and then they felt way better. And now they do it all the time going for walks without pods, we call it. So if you've only ever associated stillness with danger, though jumping into meditation, cold Turkey will feel impossible. Right. So we, we gotta replace it with something else. This is why you go to your phone, you don't know how to be still, and we see everyone else doing it. So it gives us permission. Small hinges swing big doors so you don't have to go from a hundred miles per hour to zero overnight. We're gonna titrate, we just want you to fill 1% better in any moment. Okay. Number four, build quote unquote quiet muscles over time. So this is like strength training for your brain. Start with 30 seconds of quiet. Then one minute, then five minutes. Kate Northrop calls this the art of doing less but achieving more. And let me tell you, it works because the more regulated your nervous system, the more creative, productive, attentive, and joyful you become. I wanna share with you, I worked on this with my nervous system coach. I was not getting anything done in my business for my clients. I was taking care of my clients, but I could never make ground on a project because I was constantly in my business messaging caretaking. I couldn't focus on a creative project, and I love creative projects, but I couldn't just have one tab open I had to practice one minute in one tab and then two minutes in one tab, and then five, and then 10. No, I can do an hour, no problem. But I had to work my way up to it and I'm way more productive now. Part of that is also task switching, which you may have heard me talk about before, and I'll talk about another day. Okay. Let's now talk about why relaxation is not the same as laziness. L Rest is productive. It's part of the human biological necessity cave. People did it. Farmers have always done it like it's productive. It's required, it's not wasted time. It's how your brain and body reset and the more stimulation we add to our lives, our daily lives, the more actually is required to rejuvenate. So you know how I just said cave people and sailors and farmers have always rested Well, yeah, they could probably get away with a full Sunday of rest one day a week. And eight hours of sleep because life was simpler. There was way less stimulation. They were spending most of the day doing one thing at a time, probably all day, doing one thing at a time, unless they were talking and coiling a rope at the same time. How many things are you doing at a time? And then not only that, as a high achieving woman, what do I know to be true? You get a promotion. You have the same expectation of yourself as you did before, the promotion and the increased responsibility and workload. You have a baby, you have the same expectation of yourself, your brain, your body, and your capacity as you did before the baby. Oh, you had another baby. Same expectation. I used to be able to do this. I used to be able to do this. I used to look like this, and blah, blah, blah. You need more reset. You're gonna have to do less things. You need rest. You need it. It's not wasted time. It's refilling the cup. Highly recommend the book Do Less by Kate Northrop, in which she says, when you do less, you can be more present, more focused, and ironically often get better results. I actually don't think it's that ironic. I think it makes perfect sense. But all that to say, your worth is not measured by how many things you check off a to-do list, and I used to be a big to-do list girly. I'm a recovering type A perfectionist. But I gave up to-do lists a while ago because I decided that they never end, and I now call them two die lists.'cause it just, what do you do? You just move it from one day to the next. You just keep adding to the GD list. It doesn't end. It's still there when you die. I remember when I first started coaching and I would start teaching time blocking to clients and they would be like, I tried to do the time blocking, but there was too many things and not enough time in the day. So you think that you're gonna reconstruct the number of hours in a day to accommodate the number of things that you think that you need to do? No. That means that you have too many fricking things on the calendar, and then if you're time blocking and it keeps getting bumped to another day, it means it's not important, or you don't have time to do it. Like, sorry, time is a human construct, but so are the things that you think that you need to be doing. This is the biggest pushback I get is like, but what about the closet and the, who's gonna do it if I don't do it? Nobody will. First of all, it's a belief you're carrying around, so it's absolutely going to be true. But also I would question fucking everything that you think you need to be doing, because let me tell you, you don't need to be doing most of it. We, as women take over responsibility for. Are most things, and this is just a people pleasing, high achieving worthiness hustle, that actually when you start to question the things that actually are taking up space in your brain and calendar and simply. Removing them, this problem solves itself. So anyways, not a fan of to-do lists. You're nervous. The system deserves rest. Your mind deserves quiet. You deserve to feel safe, slowing down. It feels good. It can be hard, but it feels good. So my challenge for you is this. If this episode is resonating with you, here's a little challenge for this week. Pick one moment in your day to practice doing less. Maybe you, listen to the radio instead of opening Instagram until 8:00 AM That's something that I've been doing I'm like, I can have the phone, I wanna listen to the radio. But I'm not on WhatsApp or Instagram till at least 8:00 AM. Maybe you are breathing deeply for 60 seconds before checking the phone, before touching the phone. Do I need to do this? Sit in your car for a minute before rushing inside. This is one that I do. you can sit in your car for a minute before rushing inside. You can breathe deeply. Before checking your phone or not checking your phone, go for a walk without headphones. Just pause. Let that person wait for three days before you reply to their email. Just pause. Just pause, refrain, and remind yourself, I'm safe. Even when I'm not doing anything, I'm safe.'cause that's what it's about. It's about your body not feeling safe. You are safe. You're okay. If you're okay right now, you're safe, you're good. If this episode hit home for you, I would love for you to share it with a friend who's always on or come find me over on Instagram at@annejonesfit and let me know one place you're going to practice doing less this week. And if you want help unwinding your own nervous system patterns so you can finally feel relaxed and strong and enjoy all these moments and people and things you've worked so hard for. Send me a message. This is the kind of mindset work that changes everything, and I'm opening something really exciting in the fall. A really affordable, accessible, easy peasy, nervous system course. So if you would like to get on the wait list for that, send me a message at@annejonesfit on Instagram. Thank you for being here, my friend. Please give yourself permission to rest like you deserve it more than you know. And that is a wrap for today's episode of The Muscles and Mindset Revolution Podcast. If you enjoyed today's episode, don't forget to hit that subscribe button so you don't miss the next one. And if you would like to connect, come hang out with me on Instagram at@annejonesfit. I would love to hear from you. Thank you for being here, and I'll see you next time.